“And The Award Goes To….” – The 2017 Miss Universe Preliminary Competition
Moving to Germany has presented many challenges. One of the biggest, first-world-annoyances, is having to tune into my favorite pageants around 3/4AM because of their air times on the East Coast. Yesterday, however, I found favor with the pageant gods. The Miss Universe Preliminary Competition was held in Manilla, Phillipines and aired at noon in Germany. I was able to sit back with daylight, a sandwich and armchair quarterback my way through 86 of the world’s most beautiful women. (Disclaimer: As always, my website/commentary is meant as satire and in good spirit.)
This year’s preliminary competition lent itself to many wonderful award categories, let’s begin:
I’ll just say this – I love watching Miss Universe. It is the last true “beauty” pageant in the world. It’s fun, it’s sexy and it’s generally very well produced – the contestant performances are always the stars of the show. Well, not yesterday.
…Here are my nominees for “MOST DISTRACTING MOMENTS”
- THE “HYPE MAN”
The preliminary competition never has the same energy as the live show. Even the fans in the audience are preparing themselves for 2-3 hours of 86 introductions, 86 swimsuit presentations and 86 evening gowns – it tends to run long. That’s why having a “Hype man” is so important. For those of us born before 1980, here’s the Urban Dictionary definition:
My favorite in recent years is affectionately known as “The Rhyme Guy,” Nick Teplitz. Nick always comes up with “fun fact,” Dad-joke-esque rhymes for the contestants to walk to. This helps you learn more about each contestant and the time always moves a little quicker. Well, for some reason they put Nick on the National Costume show this year and we got stuck with this guy, Derek Ramsay:
According to Wikipedia, Derek is a “Filipino-British model, actor, host, and former VJ in the Philippines.” And while he may look like the love child of Pit Bull and Ricky Martin, he had the hype skills of Grumpy Cat.
Luckily, the ravishing, Forever Miss Universe, Pia Wurtzbach, came to the rescue and even cracked a pretty good joke when they gifted her this stupid model plane on stage, “This is the model of the REAL airplane I’m gonna get, right?”:
2. ROB GOLDSTONE’S SHIRT
I don’t think anyone knows who this guy is. He’s not even the most famous “Rob Goldstone” on Google. Even this Indiana University Psychology Professor tops him. Nevertheless, “Sexy” Shirt Rob put himself on the map.
3. MISS ALBANIA’S HAIRDRESSER:
While I’m a big fan of natural hair making its way into pageants, I’m pretty sure that 20-year-old, Linda of Albania’s coif was an honest mistake. She probably approached her hairdresser asking to “look like Beyonce.” However, the Balkan states are about 15 years behind and “Austin Powers, Goldmember” is just hitting theaters, so her hairdresser went for this:
And landed on this:
Dear Albania, go to Brazil for help…
And the WINNER is…
Miss Albania’s infinitely optimistic hair stylist:
On the topic of distractions, every year there seems to be a new set of trends. Trends for on-stage performance, fashion choices, etc. I’m often very curious because they seem to appear out of thin air, but somehow at least a quarter or so of the contestants are on the bandwagon.
This years nominees for “WORST TRENDS” are….
- FRINGE
Last year’s fashion trend was “The Cape” (read my review here). This year – it’s “Fringe.” And believe it or not, I found the gown-spiration that this year’s contestants have been passing around. Fresh off of the Paris runways:
These girls got creative:
Full Body Fringe:
Butt Fringe:
Train Fringe:
One Sleeve Fringe:
Car Wash Brush Fringe:
Star Wars: Jakku Scavenger Fringe:
Crotch Fringe:
These girls committed.
2. HOLDING ON FOR DEAR LIFE
There’s a simple rule in pageants that seems to elude a handful of contestants every year. I call it the: “Just Drop It Rule.” This year seemed to have a high number of offenders, including most of the Asian countries. If you’re a pageant coach and you encourage your girls to do this – for the love of God, just stop it. Offenders of the “Just Drop It Rule” decide to nervously cling onto the fabric of their gown’s trains/accessories for dear life. They end up looking like they are:
Walking over a puddle:
Auditioning to become a drag matador:
Running away from the altar:
Waking up from a coffin:
And the WINNER is…
MISS RUSSIA’S QUICK THINKING
Yuliana managed to “Just Drop It,” as well as cut the fringe off her dress at the last second to avoid matching the hometown favorite, Miss Philippines, in the lineup.
The next nominees are for “DRUNKEST CONTESTANT”
Well, actually there’s just one, Miss Chile, who managed to go through all the stages of drunk during the competition:
“LETS DO THISSSSSSS!!!!!”
“I FEEL AWWWWWESOME!!!”
“You have no idea what it feels like to look this good.”
“Is it over?”
Next up is…
The nominees for “I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!” are…
- MISS BELGIUM
Looks like this:
Wears this:
2. MISS COLOMBIA
Looks like this:
Wears this:
3. THE ENTIRE COUNTRY OF VENEZUELA
Looks like this:
Sends this:
And the WINNER is…
VENEZUELA!
The country filled with the most evolved queens accidentally gave us one whose only skill is reaching the top leaves:
BUT… Who WON the 2017 Miss Universe Preliminary Competition? The nominees are….
- MISS FRANCE
What a babe! I found France to be old-school supermodel pretty and she was all-around a strong contender.
- MISS MEXICO
Mexico …enough said.
- MISS UKRAINE
She has the face of an angel and looked like royalty all evening. She’s in.
- MISS SIERRA LEONE
Miss Sierra Leone is her country’s FIRST Miss Universe delegate. I found her to be charming, beautiful and had an effortlessness about her. I would be elated to see her in the Top 12.
And the WINNER is…
MEXICO!!!!
Because well…I’d switch teams
Thanks for reading everyone! Tune in Monday for my review of the 2017 Miss Universe Final Competition! XOXO – Allyn
