An Open Letter To Anyone Who Mothers

Today is Mother’s Day. I woke up to a series of messages from friends sending virtual hugs, well wishes and support as they anticipated that it might be a hard day for me. I lost my precious mom, Judy Rose, to metastatic breast cancer when I was 16 years old. And this year marks the 16th year without her. It feels weird writing that. I’ve now spent the same amount of time without her that I spent with her. 16 years is a long time, but man does it feel like just yesterday. I don’t know if that feeling will ever go away.

Today, I saw a lot of posts from friends celebrating their wonderful mothers, stepmothers, grandmothers and memoriam posts about those we have lost. As I inch closer to motherhood myself, there is something beautiful about the anticipation that one day I might be the recipient of one of those glowing posts. I might have a child bring me a flower, breakfast in bed, or a piece of macaroni noodle art. I might have a child that thinks as lovingly about me as I think of my mother, even 16 years after her passing. I suppose because of my IVF journey and becoming more aware of mothering around me, this Mother’s Day feels a little different than the rest. I started thinking about motherhood and what the word means. It seems pretty black and white – women who have children are mothers. But it’s not that simple, is it?

What about the women whose opportunity to become a mother is now gone because chemotherapy treatments, genetics, accidents or illnesses? What about my dear friend undergoing a complete hysterectomy at 31 due to rapidly spreading cancerous cells in her cervix – eliminating her ability to have children? What about my sister-in-law who bravely went against the norm and decided not to have children because she knew that it was not the right choice for her and my brother. What about my friends who have suffered miscarriages, those who, for whatever reason, could never get pregnant, those whose marital situation didn’t allow for it or those who never found the right partner or spouse? There are a million and one reasons why women can’t or chose not to have children, but I don’t think that that precludes them from being mothers. Let me tell you why:

I’ve been mothered by a lot of them. When you lose your mom at a young age (and if you’re lucky like me) your life fills over the years with surrogate moms. Those who step in when you need someone to help you get ready for prom, to send care packages to your college dorm, to nurse you through your first big heartbreak, to surprise you with that killer pair of (way too expensive) shoes to wear to your first big job interview, to check in on you “just because,” to provide a safe space to go to anytime you need it, to tell you that you’re beautiful when you’re feeling your worst, to provide tough love when you need it and afterwards giving you the type of hug that lets you know everything IS going to be okay. Many of my “bonus moms” were mothers themselves, but an equal amount, while never having children themselves, spent their lives mothering whoever might need it. I needed it. And I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without them. 

So this blog is dedicated to anyone who has been a mom, to your own children, or to someone else’s. Happy Mother’s Day! Thank you for everything that you’ve done to bring happiness, care and contentment to others. You are loved.

XO, Allyn